Kobe Bryant: The Douche of the NBA Douche Era

Love him or hate him, Kobe Bryant is almost as polarizing as a compass used on the “island” on Lost!!!! Well, it’s almost as polarizing, cuz that compass went rampant on the Island, but Kobe Bryant being recognized as one of the greatest of all time being a polarizing topic is an indication of the horrible legacy this generation of players are leaving to “the game of basketball” (copyrighted by His Airness, Mr. Jordan). Kobe has 5 NBA titles, he should be a shoe-in as a Top 10 player, but that’s not the case…..his self-sacred legacy is too polarizing for many people.

Case in point: Kevin “K-Smack” McCarrell v. Dave Adolph. I wish we had transcripts from the thousands of arguments, errr discussions these Brothers in Smack have had over Kobe. It would be blog-gold, but all I can give you is my side of the argument, I mean discussion. K-Smack, I gladly hand you the mic, keyboard and podium for your side, after this rant is done. Much respect for the 2-time Insanity Pool Smack of the Year winner!!

But Kobe is a DOUCHE, and here’s why:

Kobe was drafted out of high school in 1996. That’s one year after Kevin Garnett was the first player to get drafted out of high school since Chocolate Thunder himself, Darryl Dawkins in 1975. I believe Chocolate Thunder was drafted out of Planet Lovetron Collegiate, but you’ll have to look that up.

Anyways, after these 1996 and 1997 drafts, cue up the most dysfunctional era of hoops this side of the now forgotten Cocaine Era of the 70’s when the NBA Finals were actually tape delayed to late night due to the rumors of rampant drug use. The fact that this era is forgotten is NBA Commissioner, David Stern’s greatest genius. He also has the timing of having the Larry and Magic era, closely followed by the MJ era to thank for much of that.

Ahhhhh the glory days, Larry and Magic….those were the days. Remember when Larry’s and Magic’s team could shoot over 40% in an NBA Finals Game 7? Remember when Kevin McHale could clothesline Kurt Rambis without a current NBA-type bench clearing brawl and 2-3 game suspensions being shot outta Stern’s holsters faster than Ray Allen’s post-Game 2 bricks? Back then, the McHale clothesline only brought some technical fouls and the game went on. As it says in the end of clip, it’s just part of the game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7r6vXeOfyQ

Well if that clothesline happened tonight in Game 7, then Ron-Ron Artest would be seen headin back into the crowd decking Andy Garcia for the worst mustache this side of MJ’s Hitler-stache, and Jeff Van Gundy would be seen leaving his broadcast booth hugging the be-jesus out of Andrew Bynum’s bum knee, having an acid-type flash-back yelling, “Stop Alonzo, stop!!!!”

Why?

This generation, the past 15 years of hoops, has not been watchable, mainly due to the punks running the asylum that is the NBA. And who is the standard of this generation? Kobe Jellybean Jr. Bryant!!!!!

It’d be easy just to drop the names of this generation’s punk’s…err I mean supposed superstars, and compare them to the actual superstars of yesteryear, and demonstrate how the Larry’s, Magic’s, MJ’s and Barkley’s took the torch and led the NBA to a great 80’s and 90’s. Larry, Magic, MJ and Charles were no saints. They made the same mistakes, if not more mistakes than the punks of today. But what they did, was come to each game with their hard hat and lunch bucket in hand and play hoops the way it was supposed to be played: hard-nosed, diving for lose balls basketball!!!

The punks of the past 15 years have not only diluted the NBA product, but diluted millions of NBA fans’ love for the game. They brought all they’re non-professionalism and off-court antics and brought it onto the court. It made NBA games as dysfunctional as an episode of Jerry Springer and as choreographed and pathetic as an episode of Montel Williams or Maury. Those punks couldn’t handle McHale’s or Rambis’ jock-straps!!!!!

But Kobe’s polarizing career is at the least, a more interesting tail than Garnett’s chest-bumping curse-tirades or Iverson’s “practice?!?!” tirades (sidenote: he drops the “practice” bomb 26.5 times in his infamous press conference; please refer to one of the Best Damn Top 100 shows).

Kobe came into the league as a bald, cocky 18 year old playing for the Lakers in 1996. The first sign of his polarizing nature was his stalk-like, man-crush emulation of MJ. He shaved his head like Mike, dunked like Mike (every dunk had to be the poster dunk where MJ has his non-dunking hand in front, with the fingers spread out), he chewed his gum like Mike, he talked like Mike, and of course he wagged his tongue like Mike. Kobe’s most cherished record over Mike is not any points record, but rather the record for saying “the game of basketball” at an average of 12.0 times per interview. That surpassed MJ’s average of 11.7 times per interview. Big ups Kob’s!!!

As an MJ guy, I hated it. Back then, I wanted Kobe just to be himself, we already had a Mike!!! Besides the fact that I was a huge Jordan fan, at its purest form, Kobe’s obsession with Mike was just creepy. But Kobe had every right to be creepy and wear his Lower Merion shorts under his Laker shorts like Mike. The bottom line is that he didn’t pay his dues like Mike!!!

There is nothing wrong with coming into the league as a brash, cocky player like Kobe did. Every great player in the history of the league came in as a cocky kid, thinking he could carry the team on his shoulders. If you want to be a killer like Larry, Magic and MJ, you better be cocky. But what the players before Kobe did, and had done to them, was go through and be given a dose of reality by the vets. They learned how to pay their dues.

What dues did they pay? The vets on those teams knew that Larry, Magic and Mike had all the talent in the world. But Larry, Magic and Mike had to learn to trust their teammates. They had to learn to endure the rigors of an 82 game sked. And most of all they had to learn to play with the other 4 guys on the court. Don’t confuse this with liking each other and with flowery thoughts of everybody getting along like the Jimmy Chitwood-led Hickory Huskers. The main lesson any young guy in any pro sport has to learn is to be a pro. And that entails playing the game, WITH the other 4 guys on the court, executing some sort of game plan. Nobody has to like each other, they can in fact hate each other, but they better be PROFESSIONAL enough to play with each other and execute any game plan….like a pro!!!

Larry got it from day one, so he’s clear. Kareem settled Magic down (watch clips of Magic’s very first NBA game….Kareem had to settle Magic down from being the biggest spazz this side of Mike Myer’s Hypo-Hyper kid). Charles learned the ropes from Dr. J. And MJ learned the ropes from one Bill Cartwright. Other then having the best free-throw shooting form ever, Bill Cartwright put MJ to the straight-n-narrow back in the day with daily beatings during practice, and told Mike to get in line.

Phil Jackson, said in tonight’s Game 7 4th quarter interview that Kobe has to relax and trust his teammates. He’s in his 14th eff-ing season, and he still doesn’t get it. But back to Kobe’s early days; He never trusted his teammates. All he wanted to do was jack shots……he was the worst chucker this side of George Costanza. How did his rookie year end? By losing a close elimination game, with Kobe jacking the worst 3 point airball!! I doubt that’s how the play was drawn up.

All Kobe had to do is trust his teammates and learn how to be a pro and play within the game plan, whether he liked his teammates or not. And it’s a well known fact that Kobe and Shaq didn’t get along. They both have been quoted that they were both equally to blame to for their horrible relationship. But bottom line with that whole fiasco, is that Kobe was the rookie, and Shaw was the established, most dominant player in the league at the time. What better situation to come into the league in than that? Kobe didn’t think so, and it was evident in that season ending 3-point airball. Way to airball NOT like Mike, Kobe!!

Hey, despite their cancerous relationship, the Lakers won 3 NBA titles in a row in the early 2000’s. But imagine if Kobe (and yes, Shaq) were professional enough to not bring their bickering onto the court? They’d probably win 9 titles in a row, like Shaq said they probably would in his TSN interview this past Tuesday.

All Kobe had to do was endure being Robin to Shaq’s Batman for the first few years and first few titles, and once Shaq’s body was deteriorating as it did in the mid-2000’s, then Shaq could gladly give the reigns to Kobe and Shaq would play side-kick. Sounds almost too simple. But Kobe, he had to take aaalllll the shots and Kobe wasn’t professional enough to trust his teammates or Shaq to be the leader.

The Shaq-Kobe era is evident enough to display how Kobe is a disgrace as the greatest player of this generation. The Kobe-Shaq angle could be blogged for pages, but the point is well taken. I’ll leave that Kobe-Shaq point with this: the NBA was robbed of what could be the greatest dynasty ever due to Kobe being a cancer in the Laker locker room. Yes yes yes, I know that Shaq was to blame as much as Kobe was. But there is only one coach in the past 20 years that could/can handle Kobe, and that’s Phil Jackson. Well, Kobe was a cancer enough to drive Phil to retire after the 2004 season. CANCER as well as DOUCHE!!!!

What else makes Kobe a douche?

Douche Reason #2: No one ever has clearance to give themselves a nickname. NO ONE!!! Anyone who gives him/herself a nickname is a Level 1 LOSER!!!!! Kobe, you’re a loser and DOUCHE for giving yourself the “Black Mamba” nickname!!! Hey, it’s a great moniker, deadly in fact (only Paulsen will appreciate that pun), but it’s negated due to the fact that you gave it to yourself Kobe….DOUCHE!!!

Douche Reason #3: Back in the early post-Shaq years, Kobe was in all his glory due to no more Shaq, and he chucked up as many shots as a Paulsen-stag at the Lamplighter!!! Well, Phil Jackson, tries to reel Kobe in, saying that he can’t take so many shots, and what does Kobe do one game? I believe it was a game v. the Denver Nuggets, and Kobe ices himself!!! He only takes 10 shots to try and make a point to Phil. He basically throws a game away to make a selfish, empty point.

That one ice-game is unforgiveable, and it has to be one of the main points about Kobe being the ultra-Douche of the NBA Douche era. I don’t care about what goes on off the court. I could care less about the Kobe v. Shaq off-court shenanigans. Moreover, I could care less about Kobe’s off-court transgressions in Colorado back in ‘03. But when all of Kobe’s cancerous attitude bleeds onto the court and is as evident as icing himself out of a game, well I won’t watch that game. His cancerous attitude bled onto the court enough to drive Phil Jackson out of the game for one season!!!!

Larry Bird once said in an interview that one of his biggest regrets is that in his whole 12 year career, he can think of 2-3 games where he didn’t give it his all 100% effort and to this day he feels guilty about it. Well, Kobe willfully took himself out a game once vs the Nuggets and willfully took the Lakers out of 6-7 more titles because of his cancerous need to chuck and “be the man” without paying his dues.

Kobe’s attitude, as well as all of the other entitled NBA players of the past 15 years have dimmed the torch, if not extinguished the torch passed to them by Larry, Magic, Mike and Charles. Because of their flash over substance cancer, err I mean attitude, it made a player like Tim Duncan an afterthought of this generation. The guy has 4 NBA friggin titles!!! If he was playing in the 1980’s he’d be as revered as the classic big guys of yesteryear, but today he’s seen as just boring. He's seen as the Big Fundamental. At least he was given that nickname from Shaq, rather then giving it to himself!

It’s sad about Duncan's legacy. And it’s sad that Kobe Bryant being a polarizing topic. He’s pushing the compass needle off course just like the super electromagnetic properties of the “Island”.

He’s as polarizing as the compass being thrown off course by Kate Austin’s super electro-babe-netic properties!!!

That very last line is like Kobe……complete DOUCHE!!!!!!